Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i鈥檓 a dad
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what鈥檚 your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh鈥oja
Me:
Remember when we didn鈥檛 have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won鈥檛 load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Pac-Man: what鈥檚 for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 馃寱馃寱馃寱
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you鈥檙e welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we鈥檝e been doing the last seven years?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
If you鈥檝e already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 馃惄 馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄馃惄
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that鈥檚 a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol鈥o
See..?
.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that鈥檚 weird, I dunno what it could be
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I鈥檓 not paying you