H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
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Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I hope this email finds you in a well
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?