arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
You Might Also Like
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Beware…..
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
it is time once again
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?