Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
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He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
wow
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.