[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
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Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.