The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
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It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I have many caverns
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
How does one answer this?
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.