Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
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Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?