anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
We have a winner.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.