If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.