We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
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Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.