a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
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[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
time for some seasonal decor
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell