My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
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*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.