Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Mountain Goat : )
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.