When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
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Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.