The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
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Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.