Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
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I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me