me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.