I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?