Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
no one likes gloating
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭