What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
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Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums