Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
You Might Also Like
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target