I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
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I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”