been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
This chloroform smells expensiv…
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day