Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
*ernest hemingway voice*
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew