somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
You Might Also Like
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
This was the best day of my life
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.