Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
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[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.