“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m crying im so happy for them
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)