Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
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I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?