When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
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My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Well, this is awkward
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”