[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
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*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
This could’ve been an email.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
#math
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house