“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Jurassic park gets weird
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”