My god she’s good.
You Might Also Like
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES