Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
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I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern