“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
In banana years, I am bread.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months