Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
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*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy