[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.