My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
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#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I gave up going to work for lent.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.