Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
can I use a minion as a tampon
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.