911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
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I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no