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Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
everyone has that one prude friend
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.