Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
😂😂
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.