Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.