Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
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friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
The news
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom