This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Animal poetry
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
S M O L
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
no one likes gloating