Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
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Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.