you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Dance like you’re not the father
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.