This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
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America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
This made me chuckle.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*