my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
They’re not wrong
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
The Birdles
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
some things should go without saying
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.