Lol.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Don’t forget to tip your server
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word