I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
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my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.